Why don't people speak out more?

"Scathing report condemns UK police for 'victim blaming' in rape cases".

Undercover journalist pretending to be drunk followed to hotel by man

A woman has been awarded a £90,000 pay-out after a manager slapped her backside with a ruler at a workplace slated for its “toxic laddish culture”.

This morning I am raging and devastated. It is the first link above that left me sat at my kitchen table in tears at 7.30am. When I told my husband why I was upset he said "but did you see....(link 2)", and as we were talking the third story came up on the radio news.  And that's just a random Thursday in December. 

I consider myself to be a feminist.  I always have done.  Because feminists were the ones who were speaking out for equality - and equality makes things better for everyone. It always seemed to me that equality was a significant part of the Gospel I was baptised into as a child, and educated in by people who have always lived with kindness, generosity and respect for others. I don't know when and how I noticed the world I lived in was unequal for men and women, I just always knew - and the priest who prepared me for confirmation at age 11 was highly amused by my take on the creation story in Genesis as a result. 

I am also a middle aged priest who might be said to be 'doing alright' for herself.  I have been affirmed, encouraged and supported by senior staff in the 14.5 years since my ordination. I am particularly grateful to a wonderful Archdeacon, an Area Bishop who listened to her, and a Diocesan Bishop who makes time to be fully present and fully engaged, encouraging my ministry and encouraging me to grasp the challenges it brings. I have a positive portfolio of roles which sit alongside my parish ministry.  I could be on the poster for the belief we have equality in church and world (or this corner of it), that gender is no longer an issue when it comes to male and female, that there is no bias, there are no barriers and it's meritocracy all the way.

But this morning I want to ask all the well meaning, equality purporting folks out there - if we have equality, if our church, our society and our culture respects our equal humanity - why?

Why are men being released from prison who have a record of violence against women as long as your arm, only to reoffend within days?  Women did not make this happen - but women pay the price with their lives.

Why can't a woman walk down a street, looking drunk or otherwise, without some predator thinking their luck is in? Women did not make this happen - but women pay the price with their bodies, minds  and lives for this.

Why do women who advocate for issues and challenges that face women still get told, often by their allies not to speak too loud, not to be a one trick pony, not to 'bang the drum' too loud?  Why have I heard the words "well it's obviously not impacting on you, Rachel, so I don't really get your point?" - when all around the treatment of women gets worse - visibly, clearly, uncomfortably, painfully, devastatingly worse.  

Why am I pleading, arguing, persuading, as though it is both my job to convince you that women shouldn't be treated like this, and my job to communicate this in such a way as you wont feel offended or threatened? Perhaps because the imaginary you in my head is male, and the arbiter of what is and isn't acceptable in our society, and has the right to dismiss my concerns if not expressed in a way acceptable to you.  This is why we call it the patriarchy - because we are trapped in the system - the game not of our making - and women need men to put their egos down and see what we are so clearly seeing if this is to change.

I think people in my daily sphere have found it easier to see that there are systems that need dismantling when we talk about race.  If our systems and social structures have been built by white culture for the benefit of white people, then inviting people of different racial and cultural identities to be part of those intrinsically white systems and structures isn't what equality looks like. We clearly need to create systems and structures together, for everyone, that reflect everyone involved.  But I find myself asking if we are ever going to take the real work this endeavour needs seriously when our attempts to move to an equal society for women and men have failed us so deeply.  

Equality isn't just "letting" women do the things that up until relatively recently only men have done.(And there I am framing the male as normative and decision maker again, aren't I?)  In my sphere women can now wear the pointy hats. And sit at the tables. And follow the same shocking example of terrible work life balance that we are told is the only real model of leadership possible. We are told that because there are women at the table now, women's voice is represented. Then the women at the table will be told that they are there not tokenistically to represent women, but because of their wider skills and role. However sincerely any of this is meant - we have a seat at the table only to be told that we do not have permission to talk about the continuing challenges women face.  

And why are we still asking permission? Because in a church which has enshrined the right to believe women priests to be delusional fantasists in law - our presence can feel highly contingent, even when many of us are affirmed, embraced and welcomed.  We’re still being welcomed to someone else’s party, not welcomed home. We are operating in a system and structure which was not of our making and does not reflect us, and asks us to bend ourselves to be something else.  Perhaps that is why our leaders are sometimes disappointed that we are not more dynamic, inspired and creative?  "We're going to wrap you up in the same chains we carry and then accuse you of not being able to fly." 

Because power, because patriarchy. People don't speak out more because it is not rewarded or appreciated. It is labelled, avoided, shunned, blamed, managed.  Put in the corner with its pony and its drum and its role that can't do any harm (by which I mean, actually influence change for the better). I am genuinely sorry that this sounds so accusatory.  I accuse myself of not doing more as I listen to these news stories.  I am sorry for every time I have swallowed the “you only get to join in if you don’t talk about that stuff” line. I am sorry for every time I have colluded with things that are wrong because I imagined if I did one day I would be given permission to help put things right.

Between my feed, my radio choices and my family - I came across these three stories within half an hour this morning. I am glad that these stories are being heard - but I'm reminded of the work of @CountingDeadWomen  - and of the words of Desmond Tutu about pulling people out of the river.  To paraphrase - there comes a point where we need to stop counting dead women and do something about why they are being killed. There comes a point where we have to accept that a rise in violence against women, a rise in inequality in workplaces and homes, the persistent silencing of women's voices, an internet full of misogyny, does not reflect a society that has cheerfully achieved a holistic human equality in which our systems and practices respect all human beings in their God-made integrity. We have got something terribly wrong and it will take something more intentional than a faith in meritocracy and the assumption that equality is letting the girls play with the boys' toys to put it right.